I'm just sad today.

I'm just sad. I'm not entirely sure what is provoking this wave of sadness today, but I just keep finding myself in tears. Real weeping tears. Tonight is New Years Eve. Could starting a new year without my mom, again, be the cause? Seems likely. It's supposed to be a time of making resolutions and moving forward, and I can't seem to escape the past it seems like. I have so many things that I would like to happen in 2008 and I would cherish her opinion and advice. Now, I just have to guess as to what she would say.

My husband and I just got back from visiting his parents. I am so happy to be home. They live about 9 hours away, which makes them hard to get to know me better. We see each other a few times a year and slowly build up a relationship. The weird part about this is the fact that in the short time we have been married, I've had some hard things to deal with (losing my mother, losing a job, dealing with family dysfunction). I know she wants to be there for me and has a huge heart, but really, when I go to visit, I don't want to talk about it. I've gone there to escape it. I'm sorry but I don't think that I can use you as a confidant right now. My husband and I both agree that this is probably the only way she can connect with me. But really, the sadness and depression, it is not something you want to show off. I need positive energy and positive feedback and I feel that they just want to focus on the negative things going on in my life. His parents have a much stronger faith and are much further in their walk with God, and I feel like I need them to let me find my way at my own pace. Yeah, yeah, I know my mom is in a better place. Believe me, it's understood, I get it. But honestly, I am still very much in the place where "I want and need her here!" So, please just let me quietly feel that for now and don't remind me. People say things that make them feel better...when all you want to really need to hear is that people can relate and that they know "it sucks." That's being honest.

Maybe it's coming off this trip that is making me sad. It might be a jealousy thing. I get to watch his parents still love on each other, rub each other's shoulders when they are aching, and kiss each other goodnight. I get to hear her refer to him as "daddy" in conversation the way my mom used to with my dad. Man, that's a kicker!

Hopefully 2008 will lead me in a new direction and one that will make her proud. I have some big decisions to make and maybe some new doors will open along the way.