The post-it note

There is a post-it note that clings to my kitchen cabinet that becomes only relevant to people this time of year. Two years ago, I was celebrating my first Christmas in my new house with my new husband. Mom and I were eager to put the holiday "party dress" on the place. This included ornaments for the tree, new and old. Yes, in order to help make the tree look fuller, you go through the detachment process of her transferring all your old kid ornaments over to your new house. "They are yours now. You don't live here (her house) anymore."

Well, this also causes a problem at her house. Her tree starts to look bare. So, that Christmas I bought her a new ornament. I had left it for her, so I never actually got to see her face as she opened it when she stopped by that day. So, to make this story come full circle, she left me a post-it note in my kitchen. "Thanks for the ornament. -Love Mom." A month later, she was diagnosed with cancer. We didn't know this would be our last Christmas together.

Now to some people this probably appears crazy, but it's not. (At least I tell myself that.) I've seen people, in the middle of summer, walk into my house and give it the curious eye, afraid to ask what it's about. They don't understand. I remember when I was in grade school, she would pack me special lunches sometimes. Mom would secretly sneak in an encouraging note telling me to have a good day and that she loved me. I would keep that note and place it on my desk as a reminder all day. This post-it note is like that. It somehow keeps her alive and makes her real and it means more to me than anything I own. It's her handwriting. It's her kind words. I am not sure what will happen when the stickiness fades off the back and it falls. It may make me stronger in my grieving process and help me move on, or I face the consequences of resorting to a certain sadness. Friends have tried to encourage me to put up the Christmas tree this year. I just can't do it. It's too painful. Who knows, maybe I will next year. But for now the post-it note is my holiday party dress.