Bah-Humbug?

You know what is hard about the holidays? It is when everyone in your family is in a different stage of the grieving process. Last year was the first Christmas without my mom. As a family, we decided to avoid the holidays and took a big ski trip to get away. We even thought it was a good thing that we left on Christmas Eve. That way the focus is on getting to our destination, rather than all the old traditions back home. This year, it's a baby step. We are in town.

There are so many questions about the first Christmas at home without a loved one. Do you put up the tree? Do you go to Christmas Eve service at the old family church, minus one? Do you sit around the dining table; the one that your mom used to set with perfection or do you eat in the kitchen and do a less formal meal? How do you make your dad's new girlfriend feel a part of the day, but not feel like you are betraying your mom memory, just yet? Unfortunately, being the only daughter in the family, those men look to you for the answers. How does this help, when you feel like you are the one that is running in last place in the grief race? It also doesn't help that the biggest trait you got from you mom is the role of "People Pleaser." I have been vocal in what I want this Christmas, but every time I say it, my family doesn't reply back with "Whatever you need to get through." You just get the male "hmmm" response. Does this make it easier to celebrate the holidays? Heck no! It just makes me want to avoid it all together.

Now, if you knew my mom, she was the one that loved decorating for holidays. She had the Christmas dishes, two trees, garland everywhere, wreathes, lights, figurines and more. But all those things were in such good taste (meaning it wasn't tacky, it just flowed throughout the house very subtly.) When someone says it's just stuff....I want to, and have, screamed at them "It's not just stuff! Who do you think has all the memories of shopping with her for all that stuff? Who do you think had to sit with her and confirm her decision to buy it all?" That's right, me. So, don't tell me it's just stuff.

One of the reasons I decided to partake in family Christmas this year is because it will probably be the last Christmas in this house. My dad retires next spring and talks about moving, so we won't even have that house to visit next year. So, forgive me for wanting to have one last shot at savoring my mom and celebrate Christmas "Mary" style. So, wish me luck next week. I think I am going to need it.