Cleaning out the closet

Last weekend my father and I did one of the hardest things ever in my life. Finally after two years of avoiding the process, we cleaned out my mother's closet. "It's just things!" people will tell you, but they are wrong. It's the memories too. As a daughter, you went on a lot of those shopping trips. You remember making the trip to the store, trying on those clothes and the excitement of bringing them home. There were so many times, too, that my mom would then make me sit on her bed, while she matched up her new items to things she already had. There was always a fashion show involved. So, it's not just things!

Cleaning out a loved one's closet, like I said, is hard. It used to be my escape. When I felt sad about her death or felt like I needed her around, I would go in there and touch her things. They smelled like her. I would spray a bit of her perfume and close my eyes. I would actually hug her bathrobe and imagine her arms around me. Crazy, it may seem, but if you've lost a loved one...you know. Now, that escape is changing. We didn't get rid of it all simply because there were just some things that I wasn't ready to let go of. I didn't want to do something I would later regret.

It was also sad to see the progression of her being sick, going through papers and receipts. Her writing showed signs of her getting weaker and weaker. My God! How did she get through all of that? She was so frail; her poor hands!

I wish I could say that I feel stronger and made progress doing this hard task this week. But that would be a lie. There was a reason we kept putting this off. Of course, let's go see a movie instead! Sure, why not, let's just go away for the weekend. It will still be there, untouched, when I get back. We were all guilty of avoiding this. But the way I've felt this week, it feels like more like a step back, than forward. I'm sensitive, achy and questioning a lot of things. Would my mom want me to feel this way? No! She would probably wave her finger at me and say, "Don't Fret!" I just sit and think of how lucky I am to have had a mother with whom I had a relationship worth getting sad over.

I'm just sad today.

I'm just sad. I'm not entirely sure what is provoking this wave of sadness today, but I just keep finding myself in tears. Real weeping tears. Tonight is New Years Eve. Could starting a new year without my mom, again, be the cause? Seems likely. It's supposed to be a time of making resolutions and moving forward, and I can't seem to escape the past it seems like. I have so many things that I would like to happen in 2008 and I would cherish her opinion and advice. Now, I just have to guess as to what she would say.

My husband and I just got back from visiting his parents. I am so happy to be home. They live about 9 hours away, which makes them hard to get to know me better. We see each other a few times a year and slowly build up a relationship. The weird part about this is the fact that in the short time we have been married, I've had some hard things to deal with (losing my mother, losing a job, dealing with family dysfunction). I know she wants to be there for me and has a huge heart, but really, when I go to visit, I don't want to talk about it. I've gone there to escape it. I'm sorry but I don't think that I can use you as a confidant right now. My husband and I both agree that this is probably the only way she can connect with me. But really, the sadness and depression, it is not something you want to show off. I need positive energy and positive feedback and I feel that they just want to focus on the negative things going on in my life. His parents have a much stronger faith and are much further in their walk with God, and I feel like I need them to let me find my way at my own pace. Yeah, yeah, I know my mom is in a better place. Believe me, it's understood, I get it. But honestly, I am still very much in the place where "I want and need her here!" So, please just let me quietly feel that for now and don't remind me. People say things that make them feel better...when all you want to really need to hear is that people can relate and that they know "it sucks." That's being honest.

Maybe it's coming off this trip that is making me sad. It might be a jealousy thing. I get to watch his parents still love on each other, rub each other's shoulders when they are aching, and kiss each other goodnight. I get to hear her refer to him as "daddy" in conversation the way my mom used to with my dad. Man, that's a kicker!

Hopefully 2008 will lead me in a new direction and one that will make her proud. I have some big decisions to make and maybe some new doors will open along the way.