I'm just sad today.

I'm just sad. I'm not entirely sure what is provoking this wave of sadness today, but I just keep finding myself in tears. Real weeping tears. Tonight is New Years Eve. Could starting a new year without my mom, again, be the cause? Seems likely. It's supposed to be a time of making resolutions and moving forward, and I can't seem to escape the past it seems like. I have so many things that I would like to happen in 2008 and I would cherish her opinion and advice. Now, I just have to guess as to what she would say.

My husband and I just got back from visiting his parents. I am so happy to be home. They live about 9 hours away, which makes them hard to get to know me better. We see each other a few times a year and slowly build up a relationship. The weird part about this is the fact that in the short time we have been married, I've had some hard things to deal with (losing my mother, losing a job, dealing with family dysfunction). I know she wants to be there for me and has a huge heart, but really, when I go to visit, I don't want to talk about it. I've gone there to escape it. I'm sorry but I don't think that I can use you as a confidant right now. My husband and I both agree that this is probably the only way she can connect with me. But really, the sadness and depression, it is not something you want to show off. I need positive energy and positive feedback and I feel that they just want to focus on the negative things going on in my life. His parents have a much stronger faith and are much further in their walk with God, and I feel like I need them to let me find my way at my own pace. Yeah, yeah, I know my mom is in a better place. Believe me, it's understood, I get it. But honestly, I am still very much in the place where "I want and need her here!" So, please just let me quietly feel that for now and don't remind me. People say things that make them feel better...when all you want to really need to hear is that people can relate and that they know "it sucks." That's being honest.

Maybe it's coming off this trip that is making me sad. It might be a jealousy thing. I get to watch his parents still love on each other, rub each other's shoulders when they are aching, and kiss each other goodnight. I get to hear her refer to him as "daddy" in conversation the way my mom used to with my dad. Man, that's a kicker!

Hopefully 2008 will lead me in a new direction and one that will make her proud. I have some big decisions to make and maybe some new doors will open along the way.

Bah-Humbug?

You know what is hard about the holidays? It is when everyone in your family is in a different stage of the grieving process. Last year was the first Christmas without my mom. As a family, we decided to avoid the holidays and took a big ski trip to get away. We even thought it was a good thing that we left on Christmas Eve. That way the focus is on getting to our destination, rather than all the old traditions back home. This year, it's a baby step. We are in town.

There are so many questions about the first Christmas at home without a loved one. Do you put up the tree? Do you go to Christmas Eve service at the old family church, minus one? Do you sit around the dining table; the one that your mom used to set with perfection or do you eat in the kitchen and do a less formal meal? How do you make your dad's new girlfriend feel a part of the day, but not feel like you are betraying your mom memory, just yet? Unfortunately, being the only daughter in the family, those men look to you for the answers. How does this help, when you feel like you are the one that is running in last place in the grief race? It also doesn't help that the biggest trait you got from you mom is the role of "People Pleaser." I have been vocal in what I want this Christmas, but every time I say it, my family doesn't reply back with "Whatever you need to get through." You just get the male "hmmm" response. Does this make it easier to celebrate the holidays? Heck no! It just makes me want to avoid it all together.

Now, if you knew my mom, she was the one that loved decorating for holidays. She had the Christmas dishes, two trees, garland everywhere, wreathes, lights, figurines and more. But all those things were in such good taste (meaning it wasn't tacky, it just flowed throughout the house very subtly.) When someone says it's just stuff....I want to, and have, screamed at them "It's not just stuff! Who do you think has all the memories of shopping with her for all that stuff? Who do you think had to sit with her and confirm her decision to buy it all?" That's right, me. So, don't tell me it's just stuff.

One of the reasons I decided to partake in family Christmas this year is because it will probably be the last Christmas in this house. My dad retires next spring and talks about moving, so we won't even have that house to visit next year. So, forgive me for wanting to have one last shot at savoring my mom and celebrate Christmas "Mary" style. So, wish me luck next week. I think I am going to need it.

Happy Birthday

They say that the anticipation of the actual day is worse and I agree. Today is what would have been my mom's birthday. All week I've been dreading it. I even planned on taking the day off so I would be able to deal with my feelings and do something special to honor her. So, it's the 20th. Her day. It's a day of celebrating her life and memory... the good times.

So, today I went out and got my nails done. Right now, this is an indulgence and special treat. But if there's one thing I remember about my mom is that she usually had her nails manicured and freshly polished. It was just her thing. I even did her nails while she was in the hospital. Therefore, I went to lunch at our favorite lunch spot at Merridee's and then got a manicure and pedicure. We would have done this together.

I'm not going to lie. Today also hurts. I have so much I want to share with her and talk to her about; advice I need, a hug. She would tell me that some of my concerns are lame, but also I'm sure in reality, she would make me stress in some ways too. Mothers tend to do that. At least I think the good ones do. They pay attention to details in your life and want to protect your future. They think of the stuff that you need to, but don't. Anyways, happy birthday, Mom! Your are still beautiful and I love you.

P.S. I ate a sweet treat for you.


The last picture taken of my mom and I together....ironically on her last birthday.

The post-it note

There is a post-it note that clings to my kitchen cabinet that becomes only relevant to people this time of year. Two years ago, I was celebrating my first Christmas in my new house with my new husband. Mom and I were eager to put the holiday "party dress" on the place. This included ornaments for the tree, new and old. Yes, in order to help make the tree look fuller, you go through the detachment process of her transferring all your old kid ornaments over to your new house. "They are yours now. You don't live here (her house) anymore."

Well, this also causes a problem at her house. Her tree starts to look bare. So, that Christmas I bought her a new ornament. I had left it for her, so I never actually got to see her face as she opened it when she stopped by that day. So, to make this story come full circle, she left me a post-it note in my kitchen. "Thanks for the ornament. -Love Mom." A month later, she was diagnosed with cancer. We didn't know this would be our last Christmas together.

Now to some people this probably appears crazy, but it's not. (At least I tell myself that.) I've seen people, in the middle of summer, walk into my house and give it the curious eye, afraid to ask what it's about. They don't understand. I remember when I was in grade school, she would pack me special lunches sometimes. Mom would secretly sneak in an encouraging note telling me to have a good day and that she loved me. I would keep that note and place it on my desk as a reminder all day. This post-it note is like that. It somehow keeps her alive and makes her real and it means more to me than anything I own. It's her handwriting. It's her kind words. I am not sure what will happen when the stickiness fades off the back and it falls. It may make me stronger in my grieving process and help me move on, or I face the consequences of resorting to a certain sadness. Friends have tried to encourage me to put up the Christmas tree this year. I just can't do it. It's too painful. Who knows, maybe I will next year. But for now the post-it note is my holiday party dress.

Meaning behind the blog name

This is a blog dedicated to my relationship with my mom. I really don't know what to do with it. I have found that writing about her has helped my grieving process. Sometimes I feel like I have exhausted conversations with other friends and family about my loss, so I wanted a separate place to journal. Honestly, I feel scared to voice my feelings online, but I do feel like if others find this blog, they might benefit from it. A lot of people go through this process and don't know how to communicate their sadness. There's a learning curve and each day you face something new.

The name of the blog comes from an inside joke between my mom and I. It was a phrase that came from me dropping off laundry at the local cleaners run by an Asian family. Clearly, my mother had been in there many times and they had formed a bond. When I mentioned her name and that she would be picking them up later that day, they were thrilled. Apparently, they had conversations about me there (probably from when they boxed up my wedding dress), but they just said something I couldn't understand and then "It's All About The Daughter!" Mom and I laughed about this because from here on out and eventually every time we spent quality time together or did something special, we would say "It's All About The Daughter." I miss her.