Cleaning out the closet

Last weekend my father and I did one of the hardest things ever in my life. Finally after two years of avoiding the process, we cleaned out my mother's closet. "It's just things!" people will tell you, but they are wrong. It's the memories too. As a daughter, you went on a lot of those shopping trips. You remember making the trip to the store, trying on those clothes and the excitement of bringing them home. There were so many times, too, that my mom would then make me sit on her bed, while she matched up her new items to things she already had. There was always a fashion show involved. So, it's not just things!

Cleaning out a loved one's closet, like I said, is hard. It used to be my escape. When I felt sad about her death or felt like I needed her around, I would go in there and touch her things. They smelled like her. I would spray a bit of her perfume and close my eyes. I would actually hug her bathrobe and imagine her arms around me. Crazy, it may seem, but if you've lost a loved one...you know. Now, that escape is changing. We didn't get rid of it all simply because there were just some things that I wasn't ready to let go of. I didn't want to do something I would later regret.

It was also sad to see the progression of her being sick, going through papers and receipts. Her writing showed signs of her getting weaker and weaker. My God! How did she get through all of that? She was so frail; her poor hands!

I wish I could say that I feel stronger and made progress doing this hard task this week. But that would be a lie. There was a reason we kept putting this off. Of course, let's go see a movie instead! Sure, why not, let's just go away for the weekend. It will still be there, untouched, when I get back. We were all guilty of avoiding this. But the way I've felt this week, it feels like more like a step back, than forward. I'm sensitive, achy and questioning a lot of things. Would my mom want me to feel this way? No! She would probably wave her finger at me and say, "Don't Fret!" I just sit and think of how lucky I am to have had a mother with whom I had a relationship worth getting sad over.

When the other parent gets sick...

My dad has been sick for the past few weeks. After he's had x-rays, cat scans, blood work...the doctors have still not come to any conclusions on what could be wrong. I feel helpless, because there is nothing much that I can do to help him. Nothing anybody can do, really. I've driven him to his doctors appointments since he's been on pain medication and made sure he's had some things to eat, but other than that, I can only help keep a watchful eye. It makes you feel uneasy when the only parent you have left has something wrong. Your mind goes there. The "what ifs" can't help but go through your mind. On top of that, nobody likes to be alone when they are sick. It's a comfort to have someone around to help take care of you, right? It was put into a new perspective again yesterday when I was leaving my dad to head home. I said that exact thing, stating "I'm sorry to leave you. Nobody likes to be alone when they aren't feeling good." His response was just sad. "Well, that's what I've had to accept on how my life is going to be now..." I cried the rest of the night. Mom was the best care giver. She would be taking charge and making those doctor's listen and questioning everything. This mystery illness would most likely be solved by now.

Has it really been two years?

Today marks the anniversary of my mom's death. Last year I had the luxury of being away on business for the actual day, so I was able to put physical distance between myself and the memories. This year, I've been pretty sensitive this week. I've cried at some of the smallest things. It even seems that everything I watched on either the TV or at the movie theater had death as a major plot line. Help! There's no escape! Even if I tried avoiding those things, you can't get away from the longing of wanting to hold her hand or wanting to hear her voice again. I try to imagine what Mom and I would talk about if we had one more conversation. What would be worth updating her on? Brad once again provided a great distraction with a bike race in Watertown, TN. I did, of course, what mom would want us to do on this day. Go out and support one another. Be there and cheer each other on. Unfortunately, he had to deal with some mechanical issues, but the race still provided motivation to get out of bed and face the day.