I tried to make it a weekend that was so busy celebrating, that I wouldn't have time to think about it being sad. Today was my 30th birthday and I would love to say that it was great, but in all honesty, it was one of the hardest days I've had in awhile. From the moment I woke up this morning until around 3:30 this afternoon I couldn't stop crying, and I mean the "hurts to breathe" sobbing. While my husband was out running quick errands and making preparations for celebrating later at my dad's house, I snuck out and went to the cemetary. I hate going there, but I had to go. There's always a connection between a mother and a child on their birthday and unfortunately our birthday visits will be there from now on. I could hear my mom saying her "Well, I know where I was 30 years ago...." speech in my head.
So, today's visit was...well, just different. I always get there and I always think I will know what to say. I get out of the car and then my mind just goes blank. I have no clue. I tidy up her spot, sometimes change the flowers out and of say my "I Love You's" and then I can't get out of there fast enough. But today, it started out the same and then somehow it just worked it's way to me begging my mom and God for some sign. I miss her so much and I wanted just some guarantee that she's doing okay up there. I wanted to know that she's happy and that she misses me as much as I miss her. Of course in our hearts deep down we know the answer, but I just wanted some reassurance, you know? When I was pleading for an answer back, I was wanting that movie moment. Like when you all of a sudden feel a calm breeze take over... or the clouds part and the sun breaks through and you say "Thank you! That's the answer I needed." Well, I didn't get it. In fact, I think I drove away disappointed, mad and crying even more because I didn't get what I wanted. I was, in fact, being a baby on my 30th birthday.
Well, later on I think I got my answer. Throughout the rest of the afternoon and evening, I managed to wipe away a tear or two secretly. I really didn't want anybody to feel sorry for me or to put a damper on the celebration people were trying to make nice for me. But deep down, I still had a broken heart. Well, maybe I wasn't doing a good job at hiding my sadness or maybe it was just a coincidence, but my brother and I were in the kitchen alone and he pulled me aside, out of the blue, and just gave me a hard hug and didn't let go. Ah, there's mom. There's my sign. After that, my birthday was just fine.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
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