Soap Operas make me cry

January is a hard month for me. It is the month that we thought my mom only had pneumonia. It is the month she lost her voice and it was never the same again. It was a month of hopeful waiting that the PetScan wouldn't come back and say CANCER. I think it was also the last month that was "real" with my mom. It wasn't full of sympathetic eyes, sad voices and scary prayers. I think we even had a few minor disagreements then. Oh, how I wish I could hear my mom yell at me...for anything. So, here we are towards the end of the month. My birthday is coming up this weekend and I thought I would be excited, but I'm not as pumped as I thought I'd be. See, I now associate my birthday with the weekend we found out my mom for sure was sick. So, the build up to my birthday is a little nutty for me. I have a lot of ups and downs and here's the crazy thing about grief...you can't help what triggers a memory and makes you sad. Yesterday, I was watching The Young and the Restless (yes, the stupid soap opera) and I just started crying. I wanted to be able to discuss how stupid Victor Newman is being and how Victoria just woke up from her coma. Silly, huh? But that would be real conversation for us. Small talk, really, and I miss that, a lot. You don't have to necessarily only miss the big conversations and wish for the good advice your mother would give. You can miss the "I'm going to the cleaners later and would you like spaghetti for dinner?" small talk too.