It's a hard Christmas!

This holiday season is hard. I thought real progress was being made this year. I finally decorated, which is a big step. (My mom and I shopped together for all my Christmas decorations the first year I was in my house, so many memories are attached to everything.) Also, her birthday falls on the 20th. I thought I was getting through things okay, but then last night, on Christmas Day, it hit me like a ton of bricks on the drive home from my dad's. My poor husband had to hold me as I cried for about an hour, before I fell asleep. I think it was the anticipation of one of the gifts I got from my brother. He started transferring home movies to DVD's for us and we received the first disc yesterday. I knew I had been longing to hear my mom's voice. I hadn't heard it for years and now the opportunity was laying before me. Sometimes you think you forget what they sound like, but then it's also so familiar. Also, there's the body movement and oh, how we can take this for granted. I have stared at pictures of my mom, but there is just something about seeing a smile in action...seeing what provokes it and the laughter that comes with it.

This year, I guess I am a little more sensitive because Skye and I have such big news. We are expecting a baby and during this time, when I am so excited, it is also so bittersweet. My mom isn't here to share in the excitement and to hold my hand through this process. When my mom was in hospice, I actually knew that this day would come. I actually tried preparing myself for this by buying some baby books and traced her hand on the inside. Somehow, that made me feel like she would some day, some how, be a part of things. She had no idea, what I was doing when I was penciling around her fragile hands due to all the pain killers she was on her final days. People ask me if I want a boy or a girl. In the long run, it doesn't matter. I think right now, though, my heart yearns for a girl. I think mostly because I want to carry on the mother daughter relationship somehow, since I can't do it with her. I want to show a daughter all the loving the things my mom did for me...dance lessons, gymnastics, shopping, lunches and just those girl talks. But like I said, a boy would be fine too. Gigi (as mom wanted to be called) would be so excited with the news too and would not want me to be sad. I tell myself that everyday, but it still is sad, I'm not going to lie.