Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Soap Operas make me cry
January is a hard month for me. It is the month that we thought my mom only had pneumonia. It is the month she lost her voice and it was never the same again. It was a month of hopeful waiting that the PetScan wouldn't come back and say CANCER. I think it was also the last month that was "real" with my mom. It wasn't full of sympathetic eyes, sad voices and scary prayers. I think we even had a few minor disagreements then. Oh, how I wish I could hear my mom yell at me...for anything. So, here we are towards the end of the month. My birthday is coming up this weekend and I thought I would be excited, but I'm not as pumped as I thought I'd be. See, I now associate my birthday with the weekend we found out my mom for sure was sick. So, the build up to my birthday is a little nutty for me. I have a lot of ups and downs and here's the crazy thing about grief...you can't help what triggers a memory and makes you sad. Yesterday, I was watching The Young and the Restless (yes, the stupid soap opera) and I just started crying. I wanted to be able to discuss how stupid Victor Newman is being and how Victoria just woke up from her coma. Silly, huh? But that would be real conversation for us. Small talk, really, and I miss that, a lot. You don't have to necessarily only miss the big conversations and wish for the good advice your mother would give. You can miss the "I'm going to the cleaners later and would you like spaghetti for dinner?" small talk too.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The Next Step
I was always deemed "The responsible child" and sometimes I understand why. When my mom got sick, I decided that I would prepare myself. I actually went on high-anxiety and sleep medicine so I could keep myself in check so that I could be helpful to the rest of my family. I went to see a psychologist to prepare me for what was to come. When that doctor didn't show up for an appointment with no excuse, I stopped going. I felt brushed aside and uncared for. When my mother finally passed away, I seeked help. I went to a Pastoral Counselor for about as long as I could afford it, which was about 3-4 sessions. I found it helpful because it was a place where I could just go and cry without a feeling it was a show. I still needed something else though. I needed to talk my feelings out. I couldn't do it with my family because we were in different stages of our grief. My younger brother wasn't really opening up, my dad was pressuring me to go to group and my older brother just comes across as criticizing because he was more at peace than I was.
I really didn't have a place to turn to. I finally gave in and went to grief support from the hospice, where my mom died. Each Thursday would come and I would roll out of bed in a bad mood. My husband would ask "What is wrong with you?" And I would try to explain, "How can you be excited about going to grief group? You are already set for the day knowing you are going to at some point have another break down and just feel depressed. Not only are you sad for your own loss, but everybody in there is just so sad. Nobody has any good news and everybody is old." That's right, my problem was that I was stuck in a group where everybody was much older than me. Nobody could relate to my loss at such a young age and I felt pressure when I talked. I felt like nobody wanted to sit and hear from a young adult. It may have not been the case, but those feelings of anxiety did effect my willingness to talk and get things out in the open. "Why can't I find something for my age? Why isn't there a place for young people?"
Because of my own experience with this problem, when the opportunity presented itself for me to help train to be a grief share facilitator at my church, I spoke up. Believe me, all week I'm been going back and forth with regret and encouragement. I haven't committed myself to something in a long time. Mostly because when my mom got sick I couldn't make any promises to people. She and my family came first and I was busy taking care of them. I never knew what state of mind I would be in as well. But this is important now. I don't want kids and young adults to go through what I did without feeling they can get support or have a listening ear. I feel this is the thing I can do to honor mom. My brother has gone off and done miraculous things in her honor by raising $16,000 for the Lance Armstrong Foundation and rode 100 miles in the bike race. I've included a picture from the race below. He will never know how proud I am of him. I couldn't do that and he did it with determination and strength. I feel that being the listening ear for this group is the way I can make a difference now.
Last night was the first session. I am going through the course first before I take it on to facilitate myself. They say that I am an answer to their prayers and that there have been requests for kids and young adults, but once again, I walked into a room full of older adults. I cried all night. "Can I do this?" I wasn't only crying for my mom, but for all those people in there. Everyone had a story and everyone was very sad. Here's a problem,I'm a crier. I cry easily watching TV shows, movies, hearing people's stories. Hallmark commericals...don't get me started. So don't they need someone that is going to appear strong? Maybe? But I think they also need to know that this person leading has felt the same things. They understand and have had the same questions and it's normal to cry. So, we will see how this goes. I really pray that I can stick with this. One of the reasons I started this blog is to help younger people find an outreach online. Kids and young adults are into blogging and maybe can use my journal as a resource tool. Maybe it will inspire them to write about their feelings. It has helped me a lot because I feel that I can talk about my sadness without bothering someone. I don't advertise this blog, so if someone reads it, it is because they have some kind of interest.
I really didn't have a place to turn to. I finally gave in and went to grief support from the hospice, where my mom died. Each Thursday would come and I would roll out of bed in a bad mood. My husband would ask "What is wrong with you?" And I would try to explain, "How can you be excited about going to grief group? You are already set for the day knowing you are going to at some point have another break down and just feel depressed. Not only are you sad for your own loss, but everybody in there is just so sad. Nobody has any good news and everybody is old." That's right, my problem was that I was stuck in a group where everybody was much older than me. Nobody could relate to my loss at such a young age and I felt pressure when I talked. I felt like nobody wanted to sit and hear from a young adult. It may have not been the case, but those feelings of anxiety did effect my willingness to talk and get things out in the open. "Why can't I find something for my age? Why isn't there a place for young people?"
Because of my own experience with this problem, when the opportunity presented itself for me to help train to be a grief share facilitator at my church, I spoke up. Believe me, all week I'm been going back and forth with regret and encouragement. I haven't committed myself to something in a long time. Mostly because when my mom got sick I couldn't make any promises to people. She and my family came first and I was busy taking care of them. I never knew what state of mind I would be in as well. But this is important now. I don't want kids and young adults to go through what I did without feeling they can get support or have a listening ear. I feel this is the thing I can do to honor mom. My brother has gone off and done miraculous things in her honor by raising $16,000 for the Lance Armstrong Foundation and rode 100 miles in the bike race. I've included a picture from the race below. He will never know how proud I am of him. I couldn't do that and he did it with determination and strength. I feel that being the listening ear for this group is the way I can make a difference now.
Last night was the first session. I am going through the course first before I take it on to facilitate myself. They say that I am an answer to their prayers and that there have been requests for kids and young adults, but once again, I walked into a room full of older adults. I cried all night. "Can I do this?" I wasn't only crying for my mom, but for all those people in there. Everyone had a story and everyone was very sad. Here's a problem,I'm a crier. I cry easily watching TV shows, movies, hearing people's stories. Hallmark commericals...don't get me started. So don't they need someone that is going to appear strong? Maybe? But I think they also need to know that this person leading has felt the same things. They understand and have had the same questions and it's normal to cry. So, we will see how this goes. I really pray that I can stick with this. One of the reasons I started this blog is to help younger people find an outreach online. Kids and young adults are into blogging and maybe can use my journal as a resource tool. Maybe it will inspire them to write about their feelings. It has helped me a lot because I feel that I can talk about my sadness without bothering someone. I don't advertise this blog, so if someone reads it, it is because they have some kind of interest.
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