Dad's Birthday

Today's my dad's birthday. The last time we actually celebrated it was the week before my mom died. She was in hospice. She couldn't hardly speak, she was so weak...but she still wanted to celebrate my dad one more time. For his present, she made me go out and get my wedding portrait framed for him. ( We had just gotten my wedding pictures back). This was a hard task. Here I was trying to shop and get this picture professionally framed to go in the house....knowing that she would never see it hung. I was spending time away from her and not holding her hand, just to fulfill this request. I wanted to be selfish and say "No!", but it was for her and I would do anything. I got it done in time, probably spent way to much money, but she got to see it and present it to dad. I'm not sure he really cared about it, but I know that it was something special she wanted for the house. She was so proud of my wedding. Though now, I can't even look at that picture when I go over there. It's just a reminder of my last shopping trip for my mom. It's a reminder of how hard that day was, because we all put on our strong, fake smiles and and ate birthday cake. Last year, my dad went on a vacation to get away from this day and this year he's gone again. I don't know if he will ever be around for his birthday again.

Just give me a sign...

I tried to make it a weekend that was so busy celebrating, that I wouldn't have time to think about it being sad. Today was my 30th birthday and I would love to say that it was great, but in all honesty, it was one of the hardest days I've had in awhile. From the moment I woke up this morning until around 3:30 this afternoon I couldn't stop crying, and I mean the "hurts to breathe" sobbing. While my husband was out running quick errands and making preparations for celebrating later at my dad's house, I snuck out and went to the cemetary. I hate going there, but I had to go. There's always a connection between a mother and a child on their birthday and unfortunately our birthday visits will be there from now on. I could hear my mom saying her "Well, I know where I was 30 years ago...." speech in my head.

So, today's visit was...well, just different. I always get there and I always think I will know what to say. I get out of the car and then my mind just goes blank. I have no clue. I tidy up her spot, sometimes change the flowers out and of say my "I Love You's" and then I can't get out of there fast enough. But today, it started out the same and then somehow it just worked it's way to me begging my mom and God for some sign. I miss her so much and I wanted just some guarantee that she's doing okay up there. I wanted to know that she's happy and that she misses me as much as I miss her. Of course in our hearts deep down we know the answer, but I just wanted some reassurance, you know? When I was pleading for an answer back, I was wanting that movie moment. Like when you all of a sudden feel a calm breeze take over... or the clouds part and the sun breaks through and you say "Thank you! That's the answer I needed." Well, I didn't get it. In fact, I think I drove away disappointed, mad and crying even more because I didn't get what I wanted. I was, in fact, being a baby on my 30th birthday.

Well, later on I think I got my answer. Throughout the rest of the afternoon and evening, I managed to wipe away a tear or two secretly. I really didn't want anybody to feel sorry for me or to put a damper on the celebration people were trying to make nice for me. But deep down, I still had a broken heart. Well, maybe I wasn't doing a good job at hiding my sadness or maybe it was just a coincidence, but my brother and I were in the kitchen alone and he pulled me aside, out of the blue, and just gave me a hard hug and didn't let go. Ah, there's mom. There's my sign. After that, my birthday was just fine.

Happy Birthday

They say that the anticipation of the actual day is worse and I agree. Today is what would have been my mom's birthday. All week I've been dreading it. I even planned on taking the day off so I would be able to deal with my feelings and do something special to honor her. So, it's the 20th. Her day. It's a day of celebrating her life and memory... the good times.

So, today I went out and got my nails done. Right now, this is an indulgence and special treat. But if there's one thing I remember about my mom is that she usually had her nails manicured and freshly polished. It was just her thing. I even did her nails while she was in the hospital. Therefore, I went to lunch at our favorite lunch spot at Merridee's and then got a manicure and pedicure. We would have done this together.

I'm not going to lie. Today also hurts. I have so much I want to share with her and talk to her about; advice I need, a hug. She would tell me that some of my concerns are lame, but also I'm sure in reality, she would make me stress in some ways too. Mothers tend to do that. At least I think the good ones do. They pay attention to details in your life and want to protect your future. They think of the stuff that you need to, but don't. Anyways, happy birthday, Mom! Your are still beautiful and I love you.

P.S. I ate a sweet treat for you.


The last picture taken of my mom and I together....ironically on her last birthday.