Dad's Birthday

Today's my dad's birthday. The last time we actually celebrated it was the week before my mom died. She was in hospice. She couldn't hardly speak, she was so weak...but she still wanted to celebrate my dad one more time. For his present, she made me go out and get my wedding portrait framed for him. ( We had just gotten my wedding pictures back). This was a hard task. Here I was trying to shop and get this picture professionally framed to go in the house....knowing that she would never see it hung. I was spending time away from her and not holding her hand, just to fulfill this request. I wanted to be selfish and say "No!", but it was for her and I would do anything. I got it done in time, probably spent way to much money, but she got to see it and present it to dad. I'm not sure he really cared about it, but I know that it was something special she wanted for the house. She was so proud of my wedding. Though now, I can't even look at that picture when I go over there. It's just a reminder of my last shopping trip for my mom. It's a reminder of how hard that day was, because we all put on our strong, fake smiles and and ate birthday cake. Last year, my dad went on a vacation to get away from this day and this year he's gone again. I don't know if he will ever be around for his birthday again.

I miss her.

Simply put...I miss my mom. Lately I've had this wave of sadness that just flows through me; it makes me tear up and then passes through. Two years ago, these next couple of weeks were the hardest I've ever experienced. I sat in hospice everyday and watched my mom get weaker and weaker. I had to say goodbye. I hate this time of year.