I miss her.

Simply put...I miss my mom. Lately I've had this wave of sadness that just flows through me; it makes me tear up and then passes through. Two years ago, these next couple of weeks were the hardest I've ever experienced. I sat in hospice everyday and watched my mom get weaker and weaker. I had to say goodbye. I hate this time of year.

Wedding Anniversary

Today marks an important day in my mom's life. If she were with us, she would be celebrating her 32nd wedding anniversary. I don't know what it's like to grieve a spouse, but I'm sure this day is hard for my dad. Last year, I was more aware of the day because her last wedding anniversary was such a big deal. They made it to 30 years, which at the time was amazing. My mom was so sick, she had just gotten done with radiation, and we were beginning to be hopeful. We had gotten word that the tumor in her lungs had decreased like 40%. Wow! To celebrate, my parents made one final car trip to Gatlinburg to spend the weekend with their close friends in their cabin. My mom danced around with her walker and wore her monogrammed baseball cap on her bald head. These were friends that didn't care and loved her with all they had. A picture of her with these two ladies is hanging on my fridge. It's the last picture that was ever taken of her. I think we all got too scared to take pictures of her while she was sick, but I have two; and she's just as beautiful as she ever was. I keep them with me when I'm going through a tough time. This is stupid, but I even took my treasured polaroid to spin class when I first started to go. I'm not kidding it's a hard class. There were times when I felt like I could not simply make it. But I would occasionally glance at her face and think to myself .."Look at her. Her body went through so much pain with chemo, radiation and drugs....why can't I make it through this stupid spin class!" It got me through it. Now, it's not so tough. That's how her legacy lives on with me and she can still be an encouragement.

Happy Mother's Day

So, it is Mother's Day and I am celebrating it, the most appropriate and best way I know how. I am glad the day has finally arrived, because I am tired of all the commercials and advertisements. It's just a reminder that my mom is no longer with us. But it does remind me too, how great of a mother I did have.

This year, my in-laws are in town. I am glad that my husband is very understanding and realizes how hard it is to think about spending the day with them. To watch a mother and son be so excited to share the holiday together, I just anticipate sadness. So, instead of being a witness to other people's holiday, I am going to do what my mom would do today...besides put flowers on her own grave. I am going to go support my younger brother in a huge bike race in McMinnville. I am sure if mom were here, she would be on the sidelines cheering him on and ringing that cowbell like she always did. It's a way to honor her and her memory and be supportive of my brother at the same time. I am sure he's glad that he has the distraction too.

The tie that binds...

Did I ever tell you that I hate, HATE cancer!!!! My friend's mom died early this morning of breast cancer and I am so sad for her. When I found out that my mom was diagnosed with this dreaded disease, I actually turned to this friend for comfort. She had gone through the horrible process of digesting the news about her mom and we kind of bonded over the experience of our moms being sick. That's sounds awful saying, but people don't totally understand unless they have gone through it, the process of losing a parent...and especially one that you are very close to. Watching and listening to my friend go through the motions of letting her mom go, has triggered some sad memories. The waiting is the hardest part. Telling your mom "It's okay. I'll be alright. You don't have to fight anymore. Go be with God." I held my mom's hand as she drew her last breath and smiled. Gosh, it's hard.

Anyways, my friend is also in the midst of planning her wedding. This situation made me think of my own relationship with my husband. Thank goodness I had him to support me through all the madness. We were married such a short a time before my mom got sick, that I even told him the other night that I don't even remember a normal night,beforehand, of us just being happy and going to bed without any worries. We've had a lot of drama during our almost three years of marriage. I'm so glad that my friend will have a support system like I did. Someone to just hold her and let her cry. I'm glad her mom knows that she will be taken care of.

It's just a flip flop

I have a new 9 week year old puppy. My husband and I named him Henri (with an "i"), but his name was actually inspired by King Henry. I've actually been reading a lot about English History, so the name just came to me instantly. The spelling we chose just seemed more "puppy-like." We thought we had been doing really well crate training him. He's been a good dog, more than a bad dog, doing his business, but today we had to get a little strict. We had to put him in time-out twice in the bathroom. Once for doing #2 in the corner of the living room and then also for destroying my most favorite flip flop. I know, I know, puppies tear up things and we all know that dogs love to bite on shoes. It's my fault for leaving them out, but it was out of shear laziness because I need quick shoes to let him out all the time. But these flip flops are special. I got those flip flops on one of the last shopping trips my mom and I ever took together. I remember her every time I slip them on because she wanted to buy the matching purse, but thought it was crazy because she knew she had medical bills. I tried urging her to buy it because if it made her feel good...why not? If you have to put yourself through chemotherapy, you deserve a break. Note to self...they are only flip flops, but it just made me miss her today. I admit I shed a small tear, and then went and hugged my puppy. Henri is still a cool pup.

Sweet Dreams

A while back ago I wrote an entry talking about wanting some kind of sign from my mom that she's doing okay up there in heaven. Yesterday, when I was talking to my best friend on the phone and she told me about this dream she had. She swears that she never dreams of people that have died, but one night that changed. She said that she ran into my mom during a dream and just in passing they had a brief simple conversation like as follows:
-"Hey Mrs. Wormer"
-"Hey Dana!"
-"How are you doing?"
-"Dana, I'm doing just fine!"

Maybe, I'm reading into this WAY TOO MUCH, but either way it makes me feel good. Sign or no sign, I'm glad that my mom was special enough to appear in my friend's dreams.

Little Surprise Stories

I am used to hearing great stories about my mom through some of her close personal friends, but today I was told an unexpected story which made me smile from someone I barely know. While I am inbetween jobs, I am doing some substitute teaching. I oddly found myself helping out the band class at the local middle school. She told me how my mom found out that the school district was down-sizing and they were planning on eliminating her position (she didn't have tenure yet). Mom immediately called the school board and made such a fuss that she saved her job. She even went to the Head of the School Board's house. Geez, my mom could be a pistol when she needed to be. I absolutely love hearing little things like that. Not that it was ever a doubt, but it just makes me feel good that my mom made such a big difference in other people's lives and they continue to remember her and are grateful. It's wonderful that seventeen years later she still has her job too.